Sunday, 11 March 2018

I Wrote A Letter To My 30 Year Old Self

Two years ago, I decided to write a letter to my 30 year old self. It's a day I often think about and I often wonder if writing that letter has helped me in some way. At the time I was 26 and would be opening this letter in 4 years time. There are 2 years left to go and I'm so eager to read it but, of course, I won't. I used one of those 'letter to my future self' email services and know that I should automatically get it when the big day comes that I'll read this back to myself. I know it was only two years ago but at that point, life looked very different than what it does now and I remember thinking a lot about my future. Today I thought I would finally write about why I wrote that letter to myself and some of the things I think I wrote about in there. I honestly can't remember it very well but I'm going to try.

I couldn't tell you where I got the idea to write a letter to myself but I remember writing it and it being the moment that I'd mapped out my future goals and motivated myself to be where I wanted to at 30. I can't completely remember what I wrote but I have a vague idea of what I included. 

When I wrote the letter, there was a lot going on in and around my life. Things were a little upside down and I was feeling stressed, uncertain and constantly worried about my future. At the time I'd changed careers and took what was a step forward and back into a new career path. This was all in the hopes that it would sling-shot me into the career that I'd always dreamed of. And though I'd taken this big step that could potentially change my future, I was scared it wasn't the right decision and wouldn't go how I'd planned. With that said, I was equally as hopeful that things would be looking up for me because I'd taken a huge risk and wanted it to pay off. I absolutely loved my job at the time and it made me so happy. It was exactly where I wanted and needed to be, but on top of that, I needed qualifications to progress to where I wanted to be next.

At the time I was working on getting the qualifications I needed. I was actively working on my future despite feeling like life wasn't going my way and applying for courses that would get me the career of my dreams. I worked my bottom off to get my applications in as soon as I could and applied pretty early. There was a point where I'd lost hope though, and all the universities and colleges I applied to had either denied my interviews or I wasn't successful at the point of interviewing. I think it was at this point that I truly felt at my lowest. In my mind, my risk wasn't paying off and I thought I would never get where I wanted to be. If I'm being totally honest, I just didn't feel good enough.

Career and education were a huge reason why I wrote the letter to myself. I knew that the career I would choose to pursue could make or break my future and shape where I would be at 30. Education meant I could have the career I wanted, and the career meant I could live the life I wanted. That life that I wanted had me and John in a house together and at the time, it didn't seem something I could do very soon.

There was only one thing that was I was truly certain about at 26, and that was John. He'd been my partner in crime, my love and a huge support for the last 5 years and 2 years later he still is all those things. At the time, I knew that going for this career meant that we'd be able to start thinking about moving out. We'd both accepted that it would be in a couple of years before we could move and we'd agreed that my career move would be the best thing for not only me, but for us. John supported me no matter what and just wanted me to be happy. In my letter I remember writing about John. I know I did and I think I asked myself if we're still together and whether we live together yet or not. I might have even asked myself if children are on the cards! I cringe saying that publicly but it's true! I want to start a family in the future and though now I'm not as concerned about whether that's in a couple of years or not, I was then. A lot has changed in the two years since I wrote to myself.

When I wrote the letter, I was feeling all sorts of things. I was a bundle of mixed up emotions and I was probably at my lowest. I didn't know where I was going or if I'd ever get there. I worried about my future with John and if I was letting him down or not. I wondered about my future family, home and everything in between. I couldn't tell you what I wrote to myself but on the 1st February 2020 I will read what it is I wrote and see if I can tell 26 year old me that I did what I wanted to do when I wrote it.

I think about that letter all the time because I often wonder to myself if that letter has unconsciously been my motivation to do what I need to do, to be where I want to be at 30. I wonder if it's helped me because I don't want to let future me down and feel like a failure. I wonder if it's because I put a time stamp on my wishes. I wonder a lot about that letter and though I have a back up on my computer, I won't read it. It's remained unread all this time and if I can hold off two years already, I can hold off the next two. I just hope the email service I used emails it to me because I think that would be the best surprise on the 1st February 2020. I know I won't remember to look at it until I find it in my documents again otherwise.

If I think about where I am now, where I was when I wrote the letter and where I want to be. I'm probably half way there and it's because I know I already did some of the things I asked myself in that letter. I am proudly working on the career and we may have the house in just a few short months. I just want to be as happy with my life at 30 as I am in the moment above: holding a parrot like a baby with John by my side!

If you've ever thought about writing yourself a letter, I say do it. It could give you exactly what you need to make a change in your life. I may not remember half of what's in my letter but I look forward to reading it and seeing what I've made of myself. It motivated me, it inspired me and it gave me someone to make proud one day - even if it it myself! 

1 comment:

  1. This sounds like such a motivational idea you done Cat! Hope your still blogging in two years time!!

    Isobel x

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